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UNLOVABLE

by Tabulaaa

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1.
Would you still love me if I went blind? I feel like that'd alter my perception of time Maybe that'd be just fine But I wonder if you'd notice the Disconnect, the hands around our necks The move we take next, the deception of reason, The lies of rhyme, the context of treason Within the frames of our personal hecks We could be happy all the time
2.
Turned water to wine that tastes like piss Sometimes you don't know what love is Okay, so you took the last beer in the fridge Okay, I don't know how to deal with this Whisked me away with a shot of whiskey Darts thrown hard still hit or miss Keyed car, broke vase the last time we got frisky Something you said must have skipped me I remember those days From before were breathing the ethanol haze And I was locked in your gaze Like a lab rat on acid in a Belgian maze And now your eyes are drained Like rainwashed mobile windowpanes Stuck on tracks here's the train It'd look beautiful to me all the same I think the most romantic way to describe that sort of diffuse light is Tangible, like there's a part of it you can grasp But there are some folks like me who can't see what it lights, I call them Imbeciles, we can choke on our feet and laugh some nights you wax me soft some nights you are my throttle i don't know what i've lost before the magic bottle i'd love to share our time i'd love to have our daughters but i can't be with you unless i'm underwater Tonight you got me falling off of this barstool Between glasses sipping the eleven o'clock news Like our time together was some trick so cruel And this whole damn time you had me acting like a fool Why can't you love me the way that I love you? Oh, wait You already do
3.
club stomp scrub pomp circumstantial evidence existential resonance crescent hooded reverence polyglot afterthought spiritual transcendence or whatever excuse you like just keep me looking good, right someone out there might feel about me better than i do myself lift me up just this once forget me later if you want i've got two heads so far removed from each other that my body can't contain them my heart lives in my pocket and my brain's in another dimension i don't think i'm a bad person but you can if you wanna then we can guarantee that if you hate me there's one thing we have in common Swaps his Pynchon for Ayn Rand, that gives that new Hobbes inflection Swaps his bathwater for applesauce, that gives that young god complexion Drops that おやすみなさい to that in every direction Stops that prayer to old gods, now devout to self correction That's not that road to redemption, that's that linear induction Except those motors drove so little they too corroded to function And now he rolls his corolla to the whole neighborhood faction 'Cause the bowls lean and corona weren't the reaction to no action Air gets thick with static as the deck plays Clouds Taste Metallic Tell it a third and fourth time to the crowd about how you've had it How can you call us hacks? Y'all cowards don't even look back! You can't point that stick at us when you're the one covered in mud I'm not a perfect being, that's a utopian way of seeing things That's a dated play on cliche, that doesn't have any meaning I'm just tryna have a good time, I don't need more reasons to die I've spent enough of my time looking in my coffee and crying So come laugh with us We'll forigve ya Come laugh with us All your old friends did All of my porcelain pores are crying Every organ in my body is dying I would tell you if my brain was frying But it's charcoal by now I could be making molotov cocktails But instead I'm just polishing these bottles Like this will let me rewrite the standard model As if I knew how Tear down these lights Drive slow tonight I need the time and space to come to terms with my life Barrel of a gun Handle of a knife Without ammunition or a blade to strike I need to stop romanticizing And tiptoeing around my past self and problems Or I won't solve them
4.
allow me to reintroduce myself, reduce myself, to start one more time i practiced for such a long time, i didn't socialize in the cafeteria line i can't tell if it's the abundance of dark matter or a matter of dark times crimean peninsula stitch you to a similar kindle but i'm really not that bad off i'm just asad sack of shit who only spoke when somebody asked and a bad bag of bricks won't end me before an athsma attack bootstrapped brain by someone harmless as a hackey sackie soft black stains as fated by being a trek-star trackie and i grew up black and blue so i always respected those who smacked me and impressed me with their nikes as i caressed the breeze like raggedy andy and i was ass-down in the mud, master of none wondering why they couldn't stand me. well now i realize it's 'cause i never took my chances she say those who are useless are most likely to be used so don't get that dro light and don't imbibe on that juice she say those who go to waste most likely to get wasted from my life her hypothesis don't need no updatin' so i'm bleeding out my knuckles from pounding the pavement and her honeysuckle words like killer bees in my face and now you got the power to find a way to bring yourself down, down coulda stood intersecting that four-way, coulda put down a medical co-pay coulda ankle-break strut cut-up heel to get closer than ever to that mustang my stymied home strives for chrome and rides go-karts south down the northway court order say i can't have that but i gotta do what i do hear stereo, wherefore don that chromeo cap, tax form blast flow like legato stacks, easy mode lay low at the old folks home scoring in bingo and 20 years old flat and the morning after i dreamt that, new broke english syntax W-9 W-2 double you over 'cause you better get your life back on track even my suit jacket's too riffraff, even my daw skips tracks, i donned that 9-to-5 hikikomori cap and now my mama's driving me back, i didn't think a girl could be so cruel but there she was, driving my ass back to my old school 'cause now imma do something to me and get a neoliberal arts dee-gree it's about as promisine an opening line as saying "hello, i'm a sanguine ENTP" and all the would be bosses pushin me out their offices like "hee-hee" employee opportunities don't wanna hear my weak shit no more 'cause now they be speakin' a new language, and i'm still writing cuneiform living in a world of hurt show us what you're worth guess i'm the only one left who can hit the lightsaleph null to beth omega discounting sanctified she looks like you, and talks the way you did before like archaic words that have no meaning anymore transuranic verbs corrode the varnish on the floor transneptunian thoughts cross the crumbling world
5.
Sidewalk tea, New York sea The way the shadows bend and curl around me Well it's not so much the shadows as their legacies Warm white bloom, halo blues Outline the motorway beside me I can't see if anyone's behind me So rushed in your skin and began again That frightful reeling, that lonely feeling That hit the ceiling, that cold and steely Aging like Billy Jack and not like Billie Jean And your lovers don't act like in your dreams Sixteen herons on a golden plate Iambic pentameter so pretty but you can't relate How it seems, in my dreams You can't see, and you scream I'm mad So I give another go with the knife and tape Though I'm far too gone to appreciate Pyrrhic yet But if four is death Then five is surely escape Spun the zodiac wheel to play roulette Drew lines on maps based on a sextant Stinging cranberries on your breath You're a lion now and a fish in death As the first hot snowflakes drift in haphazard lines The wind blowing east from the mountainside The pyroclastic flow steals the glow from the city tonight And the cars no longer radiate their warmth Like the predators near the ocean floor There's something different about today, but I can't tell why
6.
like crushing dreams with a rolling pin to make something sweet found in memoirs fondant memories and butterfly tea like two killers looking one another in the eyes cases and hands and chests full of knives and forceps and various torture supplies arranging the line between kill and die emotion corrosion collision excursion's the very first thing we master 128 teeth between their left and right ears, they gnashers Step out of the car, then pull out the block and out the macabre and I Crash off the shock of these 128 bit datamashers, partitioning mats to Cast iron blasters and niobium titanium pots for their mashers And you thought wedding crashers would be the very last thing in this world you would ask for Well when your dreams become reality, keep thinking yourself a human being And not the world's oyster like how you seem to be seeing is that a tire track across your back? i can't fathom why you'd do something like that
7.
28 years 29 step 30 move highway crossing shakedown like you got something to prove but you were married to that thug, and then married to this disease, you were married to the drug and now you're married to the industry and the whole class runnin' and the backyard stuntin' 'cause the children ain't raised sacrifice scratching at the black ice patches so the bills can get paid but if you don't have anything nice to say, just say something nice anyway yeah, if you don't have anything nice to say, just say something nice anyway, now you took up the moon and stars incision, the limb and liver fishing grind the backs of the braindead and the chronic hole punched as your ticket to ride criss-cross, piss off the new religion this is what we do to survive what we could be using turned around and attuned towards the growth of limes they get pneumatic limb spasms and dimethyl drum fills you get the last word in who gets to crush and snort their pills yeah that's prozac to prosaic ground dreams like nightmare machine to and fro and no don't trust it, you'll crush it that mercedes benzedrine is touch and go pen, notebook, lighter, cable call, drawl, old, disabled oxy, ultram, safety, house helper, yeller, lights, out

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released June 21, 2014

Everything made by Tabulaaa, except for the recording of a francophone radio station picked up on shortwave radio. I didn't make that.

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Tabulaaa Burlington, Vermont

Tabulaaa is just me.

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